This morning I was thinking about my inside matching my outside. Do I match? Is what I am actually thinking and feeling reflected in how I behave?
Sadly, I think the answer is FAR too often not.
I wonder if what I say is true. I SAY that I want to be known. I say it all the time. And it’s true that I can handle your stuff without judgement. Or at least with very little. When I hear about other’s failures, disappointments, falls and stumbles, I’m not easily rattled. I like people with imperfections and bumps and bruises. It really makes you interesting and authentic and a person who has truly lived here.
When it comes to me, though, it’s so much harder. I confessed to someone recently that I wasn’t genuine with them. I hate that, not the confessing, but the masquerade. I wasn’t completely masking the real me, but I was in part. I was willing to put my toes on the line, but not walk over it.
The thing is, I know who I am. I am not fragile, and I am not generally insecure. Why then, is it so hard to come clean?
The expectations I hold for myself are high. I expect that I will meet my own standards, some of which are impossibly high…like being authentic and transparent all the time. In living that out, I do try to hold that standard, but maybe the confessing when I don’t is a step in the right direction. Maybe being a person that can listen and accept others lives as they are is another step. Maybe acknowledging frailty and accepting help sometimes is moving me along that path.
Maybe writing this post about my own efforts to be genuine will spur me on in that direction.
Maybe I’ll just keep trying.