In the Right Order

Acceptance is supposed to precede action.  Although the order is Awareness, Acceptance, Action,  my M.O. is awareness and then a quick hop straight to action. Acceptance has been optional.

I just don’t like accepting things that aren’t my idea. I heard someone say that recently and agreed entirely.  Quite entirely:-)

The thing is, life just isn’t my idea. Things happen along the way that are far easier to act on than accept.  The very act of motion gives us the impression that we can influence outcomes…if not determine them completely.  A self-delusional notion for sure.

Frenetic movement does not change outcomes.  It does not block out sadness or loss or change.  It just makes me tired.

For me, accepting the things I cannot change means surrendering those things

into the Hands of the One who sees what I cannot see,

Who understands beyond the limits of my understanding, and

Who defines love in ways that I don’t yet know, but someday will.

Just to Know She’s There

2/4 of us are in town.  Soon it will be 3/4.  I never ever feel more complete than when I glance up and see the face or faces of my sisters.

As one made her way here yesterday, we talked several times on the phone. Our conversations are funny. Sisters have sister language.  A murmur, a phrase, an inside joke that elicits a laugh, or a shared heartbreak that makes words not even necessary. Why “talk” if you aren’t talking?  Just to know she’s there.

Another 1/4 arrives in a few days.  This one makes everyone around her feel safe and secure. I’m a little low on safe and secure, so that sounds good to me. This is the one who can use my nickname without reprisal. That is a special status.

I heard a quote recently: “Sisters are more than best friends”. I couldn’t agree more.

A Duel at Dawn

Just when I make some grand pronouncement, or achieve a new mile marker of personal transition, inevitably my new-found achievement is challenged.  A duel at dawn.

Recently I blogged about peace in the future.  Of course I had to blog about it.  Naturally it had to be public.  I couldn’t just quietly experience peace or utter chaos in the privacy of my own circumstances:-) See, that’s the thing about blogging.  You are willing to be transparent, revealing the lovely and more often (in my case) the not-so-lovely.

I made this grand pronouncement about peace in the days to come, and then the days came.

The days are not peaceful.  The waters these days are ruffly, with occasional waves splashing quite unexpectedly over me…and the water is cold. I’m searching for peace that seems elusive.  I…almost…have …it…and then  I don’t.  Something is quite definitely not the way it is “supposed” to be.  I can’t fix this thing. I most definitely cannot.

Actually, I can’t fix anything. I may be many things, among them persuasive and determined, but ultimately God’s position is filled.

Think on that for a minute.  There’s peace right there.

Upside Down

I had chocolate cake for breakfast today…oh, and yesterday:-)

Not typically a morning eater, chocolate cake looked just fantastic and delicious.  I had no intention of resisting.  It was, by the way, both fantastic AND delicious.

Not to be overly dramatic, I think my life is getting to be less predictable.   I can sense that things are changing.

I uploaded some fall photography onto my I Phone the other day, as I’m a huge Autumn fan, and love that the promise of change is on the near horizon.

Being open to change is really a recent development for me.  I have historically preferred things just as they are.  Tipping the apple cart over would have been cause for great alarm in days gone by.  I recently noticed, however,  that apples are scattered about these days, and I’m excited rather than un-done.  Progress, not perfection.

Another great awareness is being grateful in the present and unafraid of the future. It’s true that I cannot live simultaneously in the present and the future, but I can be fully present today, thankful and joy-filled, anticipating with peace what tomorrow may bring.

This morning when I took the dogs outside, I caught the smell of fall in the air.

Change is coming.  It is.  It’s on its way. Happy:-)

For the love

Recently, in a room filled with who knows who, it turned out that there was kinship.  I just love when that happens. We are tempted sometimes to think that we are either so incredibly unique, or that our passions are just weird.

Take writing.  No, please don’t.  I don’t think I can like life without writing.

There is something about the relationship between thinking, feeling, and then putting those thoughts in black and white.  What is that mystery?  I still don’t get it, but I can’t stop. In a way, it’s like a river, being part of a current.  Not the current, and certainly not the source. Just a little drop that has the privilege of being invited to just be part of the water.

Apparently, I am not unique, nor is this passion , as there are many of us that want to be in this river.  The room I was in was sprinkled with writers who cannot make their living writing, but who live through writing.  I’m one of those.  Actually doing something simply for the love of it. No money, no anything.  Just for the love.

Concerning myself with who reads what I write is of little to no concern for me…probably exactly why I don’t make a living at this.  Most of what I say is stream of thought that winds its way from heart to head to limbs to fingers to keyboard.  Starts with the heart.

The current is what interests me.  Even more so the Source.

Big Enough?

I don’t have all the answers to my questions, nor to yours.  When my children were little, I remember wondering when they would ask me something I couldn’t answer, because I wouldn’t know.  It wasn’t long, quite honestly.  Those inquisitive little minds were always wondering, always asking, always looking, even when they quickly realized I wouldn’t be the one with resolution on everything that was puzzling or hurtful.

I think I might have done one thing ‘right’…hopefully more than one, but I did encourage the asking….just not of me. I can’t think of one single thing that I long for more than that my children would see God as big enough for them and what concerns them.

Crystal Yates sings it in MyBig Enough God (feat: Crystal Yates) by Jennie Lee Riddle“> Big Enough God

I come to Your throne 

Casting all of my cares 
At Mercy’s beautiful feet 
Where grace flows freely 
Salvation reigns and 
You meet every need 

My big enough God 
To You I gladly yield 
I trust You to carry 
All that I’ve held dear 
My big enough God 
Capable to heal 
Ready to deliver 
Waiting to reveal 
More of You 

I come to Your throne 
There’s no where else to run 
Your words are eternal life 
Your freedom is easy 
Your liberty abounds 
You make every burden light 

More of You 
Is most sufficient 
More of You 
Is all I desire 
More of You 
Makes everything different 
More of You 
Is all I require


All I’ve come to Be

10 years and 7 months ago, I learned to walk for the second time.

I didn’t have to do it.  There certainly was an alternate choice, but I chose walking.

The memories of those days occasionally come flooding, or trickling,back.  God wasn’t looking the other way when my life changed.  He wasn’t MIA when I fell at my dad’s feet or when I stood, weeks later, tears dripping, willing my feet to remember what I could not remember…how to take one single step.

Today, I live with varying degrees of awkward.   It isn’t perfect, it isn’t precision.  It isn’t high heels.  Some incredible people in my life see the beauty.  Occasionally those people are even strangers.  They somehow just get it.

They see what I see.  God is good.  He heals as He wills to heal.  My heart walks with no limp.  I wanted graceful.  Instead I got Grace.

Kathryn Scott’s “Child of God“,  is a perfect song on this.