it would be easier. His loss wasn’t something I fully reckoned with. There was’nt any posturing. I think I might have thought I could graciously ease away from sad. No such thing.
Sad doesn’t look the same as it did at his funeral. though. Sad now is wishing I could call him and share something fun, or great, or just a silly moment that I know he would enjoy. Sad is talking to my uncle, whose wound of losing his baby brother is still so raw. Sad is going up to the communion table with my mom, who can’t yet bear it to go alone.
And then there is this: I haven’t written in months. Funny how you don’t really realize it, until one day it’s obvious that routines have changed, and that there might be something you are feeling that isn’t on the surface. That isn’t sad moving graciously away.That’s not wanting to feel it.
So today I am feeling his absence. The whole world lost him, and only we know it.