Two beeps. That’s my secret signal as I leave her house. Its always been what I do. So much comfort in what we do routinely.
But its only in recent months , after the beeps goodbye, the tears start to fall.. Driving home in the dark evening, the streets look luminous and bleary. That’s my new routine.
Why the tears tonight? Why that sweet ache?
It was a good day…there were smiles, laughter, Starbucks and a visit with a grandson. Even a pronouncement of “This was a great day”.
But its lurking, hiding in the dark, threatening her, and therefore us. Again…
We can and we will walk through this with her, although none of us feel anything but sorrow tinged with scared. My heart doesn’t feel strong enough to bear this again.
But, when I think about scary tomorrows, I remember God’s faithful yesterdays. The reality of fear seems best sifted through the screen of what I know for sure. If I accept that God is good, then I will accept that good may not look good. That my view is partial.
That Anguish will always produce.