I’m an expert at getting in my own way. Do you ever feel that way?
I have highly developed skills that lead nowhere good. And I’ve been in my own way many, too many times.
Not all that long ago I decided that it’s just not how I want to live.
Self-protection is one of the huge lies that we (me) buy into. It’s a lie because we can’t do it…our behavior will always give away what we desperately try to keep hidden from view. And it’s a lie because self-protection keeps me imprisoned. No wings to fly when all I can see is me.
As Audrey Assad sings, my desire is to “disappear into a deeper Beauty”.
It’s that disappearing thing that captivates me…not actually, but where I’m not afraid of my own frailties. They show despite my best attempts to keep them all to myself.
I went into the gulf when at the beach this week. Into the actual water. Me. Did it.
I realize it wasn’t graceful. I live with the difficult of my reality every single day. Not easy getting into that water. Not easy getting out. The current and waves were one thing, and my self-focus threatened to get the best of me. I was sure I was being stared at by all the perfect :-) people on the beach. Which is probably true.
But, getting out of my own way was lovely. Casting aside that self-focus for the joy before me was worth it. God has healed me. My heart is fully restored and I believe that. I do, however, live with reminders of the battle fought, and that itself brings joy.
I did two things at the beach. I trusted a friend with my vulnerabilities and I might have inspired some of the people who watched me.
Imagine the power when we risk…ourselves.