Long ago, in a faraway land…I moved from my childhood home.
Everything we owned was in our car.
We just drove away, and I looked back, out of the back window, at the road behind me.
And I remember thinking…seeing…all my roots… just dragging behind.
And I guess that’s how it is when You move.
All my pride, you know it doesn’t stand a chance at all.
Like a lion standing inside my house. I don’t stand a chance against the way You move.
Breaking down walls, ripping up roots.
Love. letting go. of me.
Letting go to follow You.
Loosening the grip. Taking Your hand
Looking through the windshield at the road ahead.
Let Love lead.
Roots will follow.
I remember you. I do. You were the one that told me that this doesn’t happen overnight. It takes the energy of effort and work and will and the peace and stillness of time.
You were a source of great irritation to me then.. I wanted FAST. Quick, complete, and restored, thank you very much. My way would be fine, and no need for alternate opinions.
I already knew what I needed to know…except of course, that we never know what we don’t know. We think we are ready for what we aren’t nearly prepared for. I thought I knew what I wanted. More than that, I was sure I knew what I needed. Turns out that a willing heart is only developed through experiences that show how totally unprepared we truly are for what we so desperately may want.
What I know today, but truthfully still struggle against doing, is that I can only tell you what my way was like…how I got to today…not how you should get here. My path had days that seemed like I was going down when I wanted to be climbing. My story has days of learning to take accountability so that I understand my part in it all. My sadness has moments of hilarity and twisted humor that few can understand, but it carried me. And even on the days when I thought I had finally achieved wholeness, I would be reminded that there were new steps to take, which were scary and made me mad.
Getting healthy isn’t pretty. Often it’s quite ugly.
Getting “backstage” takes some guts.
Worth it, though.