I was recently at dinner with a group of girlfriends. These women are friends of the right hand kind of women. When they talk, I listen.
One asked me rather pointedly why I hadn’t been blogging. A kind question about the lack of something I obviously love, so whats up with no writing?
I know the answer. I should because it happens to me routinely…or at least it has with some frequency.
It has to do with unbalanced focus and blindness, operating simultaneously.
Until recent years, Never ever have i truly believed that I put myself last. I know that we women often think we do, and maybe most women aren’t like me. I just know that I am a selfish, focused on me person. I suffer from that common human condition, and I grieve at how squarely that describes me.
But …in my most recent disappearing act, that isn’t how I was. I put me last. Truly, solidly LAST. The kind of last where even I couldn’t find me.
When I’m in that…place in line…even my routines change. I don’t go places that I love… I quit writing… I get lost. Until I get found.
Someone else can become both a focus and a blindness at the same time. Now THAT’s something we women DO share. We care so much about their happiness, their well-being, their concerns and cares, that we tuck ours away, and “just for a while” becomes “permanently shelved”.
God is a seeker of the lost. He always always comes looking for me. He always takes off my blinders and reveals truth.
Today, I feel more like myself. I looked carefully at what I didn’t want to see and got clarity. Blinding clarity…the kind that is crystal clear, but hurts a tiny bit to stare into the bright.
And I’m blogging.