30 days…

Trevor is visiting the surgeon with me on Thursday.  Its my “within 30 days of the surgery” appointment.

My list of questions is pretty lengthy.  And apparently Trevor has questions of his own, so he’s joining me:-)

I’m amused, because my first reaction was that I didn’t need anyone to come along!  I’m a grown adult capable woman, for heaven’s sake.

That’s so very quintessential Susan, and likely all of us.  I can do it myself, thank you very much.  I’ve got this.  No thank you.  I can get the door, I can go down the stairs, handle the curb, carry the groceries, pay the bills.  I’m good, thanks.

In other words, get away.  Don’t interfere.

But the real heart of it is is: Please, please, please, don’t see me as broken/helpless/insufficient. The eyes-on-myself truth.

This surgery is hard in a lot of ways.  I’ve already published  the ones that make me look good in your eyes in prior posts.  “The ultra spiritual woman who just can’t bear to think of herself without this grace in her life”. Wow.

Ouch.  Yes, I’m that yukky.

Trevor is coming along because he knows me.  He really knows his mom, and his heart somehow understands that I am afraid of letting go of something that has defined me for a lot of years, and I do sincerely testify to an overwhelming goodness of God in the chaos of brokenness.  He also knows that going back to “helpless” won’t be my finest hour. Won’t be easy.

But this time I’m going into brokenness with my eyes open. It’s not a surprise, and I’m willingly submitting. I’m choosing “helpless” and my own insufficiency.  I’m choosing the goodness of God, despite outcomes.

So we both have questions.  Not sure what his are, but my guess is that he will want to know how I can face this…pain. Again.

God is everything that heals.




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